


remember.

by villiblom



Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bickering, Bisexual Finral Roulacase, Blood and Violence, Childhood Trauma, Developing Relationship, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Everyone dies BUT NOT REALLY, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Multi, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Trauma, Violence, and everyone loves yami, first time writing something this dark yikes..., in short yami needs hugs a lot of them, uhm...yeah this is oddly violent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:08:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25714060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villiblom/pseuds/villiblom
Summary: Yami could almost taste the frustration he had when he tried to recruit Gordon but his lack of confidence and even smaller ability to speak nearly had the dark-haired man ripping his hair from its roots. He chuckled lightly as the scenes turned quickly, -too quickly- to Zora in the back of an alley, his mouth agape, bewilderment clear on his features as Yami threw the Bull’s robe at him. Yami watched, his face contorting into different kinds of emotions -happiness, laughter, anger, sadness, joy, and most of all pride as his little imperfectly perfect crew formed.
Relationships: Finral Roulacase/Yami Sukehiro, Jack the Ripper/Yami Sukehiro, Vanessa Enoteca/Yami Sukehiro
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	remember.

**Author's Note:**

> do not be deceived. this is not a happy story. there is graphic descriptions of the squad's murder down there it comes after yami falls asleep again, so if it's not your cup of tea please do not read any further. im sorry if anything sounds weird or awkward, its my first time writing something this violent and traumatic. personally i just picked the parts that made me feel really bad and added more violence and emotion to them but its still my first time writing trauma and violence together so please keep that in mind. without further ado, lets get into it!

The first time it happened, Yami was out on a mission with Finral and Vanessa. Magna had enthusiastically asked to join but was regulated to babysitting duty and house sitting with Gauche and after much deliberation, Luck as well. 

Yami had set off with Vanessa on the back of his broomstick, and Finral riding on his own. He personally would have preferred if the two rode together so that he could ride his broomstick the way he normally did, but Vanessa had pleaded with him and used her Rouge cat to win him over. _Curse that furry cat and its unfairly large, and adorable eyes._

The trio had flown down to the far outskirts of the town and had found their mission just as Julius had informed them -or at least, Yami. The mission was to settle a skirmish that happened in the two nearby towns. Apparently, the two had gotten into a fight over land resources that escalated to a full-on magic war between the two skilled sorcerers of the towns. Yami didn’t understand why he had to go settle a fight between two townspeople considering he was a _captain_ and there were far more people qualified for the job. 

Yami had watched as Julius theatrically searched the room - _probably for the bowl cut kid, always glued to his hip-_ and then leaned in and told him of the supposedly cool, new and unseen magic one of the townspeople possessed. Yami was essentially being sent in as fodder so that the owner of said magic could show their full strength and Yami could give a detailed report on the type of magic he saw and experienced.

Yami huffed, his mood souring as he realized how flimsy the Wizard King could be when it came to magic he had never seen before. _I could be in the hideout right now,_ Yami thought, lip curling up slightly, _probably listening to the kids slamming each other against the walls right now._ While being in the hideout wasn’t exactly the most pleasant of experiences with the majority of his squad being off their rockers and having no concept of inside voices, Yami found that infinitesimally better than being on ‘ _Search for New Magic, but Don’t Tell Anyone’_ duty.

Yami sighed again and Finral glanced at him. “Are you okay, Yami-san?” “I know you hate working on the...well, any day, but you have to do it. It’s a request from the Wizard King, after all.”

Yami sneered, lip curling again at the mention of work. He chose to ignore Finral’s first question and instead said, “I hate flying. Why couldn’t you take us there with your spatial magic, hmm, Finral?” A dangerous tone flittered into Yami’s voice as he asked and Finral instantly felt his body break out into a thin sweat.

“Ahaha, well you know, Yami-san,” Finral laughed nervously and avoided eye contact. “You remember how I told you I can’t go anywhere I’ve never been to before...well….that is...I’ve never been to this part of the country before, so I don’t really know what it looks like…”

“Tch.” Yami clicked his tongue and Finral gasped, offended beyond measure. “That’s an annoying limit. You need to push past that, and surpass your limits.”

“Ehh….” Finral whined and looked at Yami. “That’s being unreasonable, Yami-san!”

“Do it. Do it right now, Finral. Surpass your limits.” Yami replied and stopped flying, turning around, he looked at Finral with an expectant gaze, waiting for him to transport them to where they had to go. 

“Now, now,” Vanessa began and placed her hand on Yami’s bare forearm. “Isn’t it nice to fly around like this once in a while? It’s been a long time since the three of us went on a mission together, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, yes, that’s right!” Finral echoed murmurs of agreement, silently begging Vanessa to keep talking. 

“Ever since Asta and Noelle, and the new sulky one, Zora, was it? Ever since they joined, most of the missions have been handled by them.” Vanessa continued a fond smile on her lips as she thought back to her younger members back at the house. “And while I enjoy relaxing in the house and drinking all the alcohol I can, I’m not going to let the younger ones show us up.”

Finral gently flicked his nose with his thumb, turning his head to the opposite side, and nodded in agreement. “Asta’s amazing and Noelle’s magic is incredible but we’re the seniors. Sometimes we also have to show off, you know?”

“And besides, Yami,” Vanessa leaned over the edge of Yami’s broom and looked at her captain’s face, his bored gaze staring towards the front, “This is a good thing for you as well. If word gets around that you, Captain of the notorious Black Bulls, solved a petty conflict between the townspeople, they might begin seeing you and the squad in a better light!”

Yami looked at his two members and sighed and set his broom back in gear. “Doesn’t change the fact that you need to surpass your limits, Finral.”

“Ehhh….” Finral moaned again and Vanessa simply giggled, Rouge’s tail curling happily around her neck and into her collar.

* * *

The nightmares started the night Yami, Finral and Vanessa arrived at the town. They had picked the closest town of the two and settled into an inn on the far sides, away from all the hustle and bustle and closer to where the children giggled about untold stories, never to reach the ears of the rich and wealthy, where mothers hushed each other, in fear of being overheard as they gossiped and told each other stories they really had no business knowing. Yami picked the dingiest inn he could find and made himself comfortable downstairs where the drinks and the stories were.

He hid his mana to the best he could and concealed his magic knight robe and body with one of his large black robes, making sure to firmly tie the knot at his collar and prevent it from flying open and revealing his true occupation.

Vanessa had wanted to accompany him but Yami had refused, knowing how uncontrollable she could get if she got strong enough liquor into her. Yami had essentially banned them from going downstairs while they were there and left them in the room while he went scouting for information under the guise of being a normal traveler, coming in from a town miles away in search of information.

Yami didn’t outright ask anyone for leads, the suspicious gazes following him as he went over and sat down at the bar being enough of an answer on the kind of results he would get if he just out rightly asked. Instead, Yami sat there and ordered a drink, nursing it gently as he waited for the suspicious gazes to leave his back, to no longer view him as a threat, and let their guards down, resuming the upbeat chattering and laughter from before.

Yami waited patiently for the patrons in the inn to become more inebriated and loose-lipped before ordering another drink and taking it with him to the nearest and loudest table. Yami sat down and waited for the men to look at him before asking how they were. The men, barely able to tell Yami’s face and the fake animal pinned behind the door apart, face split in wide grins and they quickly welcomed Yami into the mix. Soon enough, Yami had gotten the whole story of the skirmish between the two towns and groaned internally when he realized how much more complicated it was proving to be.

Yami managed to sneak away from the table a handful of hours later and went upstairs to pass out on the hard, uncomfortable bed for a few hours before the sun fully rose and he had to get to work. He went to bed and flopped down onto the mattress, wincing when he landed with a harsh _smack!_ sound and rolled over to his side, hand reaching out for the bedcovers. Yami fell asleep soon after and found he was revisiting some of the more traumatic times in his past. 

* * *

_“Who is that?”_

_“Look at his arms and legs….No one in the Clover Kingdom looks like that!”_

_“Isn’t he a foreigner?”_

_“He’s so dirty….! Someone go and chase him off!”_

_“No way! You go do it! I don’t want to touch a filthy foreigner! What if they infect me or something?”_

_“But isn’t he just a kid? He barely looks older than fifteen…!”_

_“Who cares how old he is! Just go and chase him away! I don’t want him here!”_

_Several murmurs of agreement followed and Yami sat there, his back towards them, as he frantically dug through the trash for any kind of food he could find. It wasn’t like it was anything new to him. After living in the streets of Clover Kingdom for nearly two years, Yami had soon understood that no one would ever want him here. He was all alone. Far away from his family, his friends, his homeland, he was stuck here in a place that didn’t take kindly to strangers, let alone strangers with dark skin and even darker hair, especially not to ones that spoke a foreign language._

_Yami’s digging was interrupted when he felt a rock whizz just past his left ear and hit the wall in front of him. He turned around, fear and panic slowly filling his eyes as he looked up at the wall of adults, each one carrying some sort of long stick or weapon, hate and disgust apparent in their cold, soulless eyes._

_“Get out of here, you filthy brat!” One of them yelled out and reached out, striking Yami on the leg with his stick. Yami cried out in pain and reached for his leg, shaking and whimpering as hit after hit was delivered on him each one accompanied with harsh words, calling him all sorts of names as they beat him to an inch of his life._

_Yami was only 14 then._

* * *

Yami woke up in bed; gasping and breathing heavily, a light sheen of sweat clothed his entire body as his heart thundered away in his ribcage, feeling as if he had run around the entire Clover Kingdom twice. Yami reached out and grasped tightly at his chest, bunching up the shirt in his fist and he relived the phantom hits, feeling as they landed all over his body; on his arms, legs, back, chest, and head. Anywhere they could get to, they hit. 

“Shit…” Yami breathed out and waited until his breathing had evened out. “I haven’t had that one in forever…”

“Yami?” Vanessa mumbled sleepily. One hand reached to rub at her eyes, trying to chase the sleep away while her other one searched for the light. “Is that you?”

Yami forced his voice to come out even and steady, a complete contrast to how he actually felt. “Mmh...” He grunted, “It’s me, Vanessa. Go back to sleep.”

“Are you okay?” Vanessa had gotten the lights on and looked at Yami, now taking note of how pale and queasy the normally sturdy man looked. “Rouge woke me up, asking me to help you, but...are you sure you’re okay? You look even paler than Gordon.”

Yami couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him but even that was weak and shaky, like a huff of air through his nose rather than a laugh, really. “That’s mean, Vanessa.” He breathed out again and avoided meeting her eyes, preferring to look down and over his bed at his black boots, caked with what _had_ to be a centuries worth of dirt and mud.

Vanessa got up from her bed and climbed into Yami’s. She sat beside him and wrapped her arms around his thick neck and pulled him into a hug. Yami didn’t register his body moving to wrap around Vanessa until his hand rose up and pulled her closer to him, his head hidden and buried behind Vanessa’s slim shoulders. 

It was times like these that Yami was really grateful for his crew. They knew when to ask questions and when to _do_ something. Yami hadn’t even realized he needed a hug, something warm and comforting from someone he knew, someone he trusted, someone he loved and cared for until Vanessa had wrapped her arms around him and let him breathe in the comforting, familiar scent of rose water and wine that was Vanessa.

“You’re okay, Yami-san...We’re not going anywhere, okay?” Vanessa’s voice was so small Yami struggled to hear it but he eventually nodded once, his hand on her back tightening as she too tightened her hold around his neck, a present and constant reminder that he was here, he was loved, cherished and protected by the people closest to him. The terror he had experienced as a child wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t being hunted anymore. He was okay. It was all okay now.

And if Vanessa felt something wet and warm land on her back and shoulder, she didn’t mention it and simply held her captain close, words of reassurance and comfort spilling out of her like wine out of a tipped over bottle.

* * *

The second time it happened, Yami was alone at the hideout. It had been nearly a month since the first time it happened back at the inn and Yami had thought that would be the end of it. He thought he’d never have to experience something like that again, never have to relieve his childhood trauma in front of his members but he was _sorely_ mistaken. 

It happened after dinner and everyone had already cleared out of the dining hall, leaving the three newest members –Asta, Noelle and Secre- to the dishes while each of them went about their own business. Vanessa, Finral and Henry went to play some sort of game with Charmy in tow, joining them for the former two’s sake. Gauche went to his room but surprisingly let Grey and Gordon tag along -Yami was seriously considering forming a unit of the three and calling it ‘The Triple G’s’-. Zora disappeared somewhere, like he usually did and so did Magna and Luck, although Yami heard a loud yell to his far left and assumed the two were ‘training’ (read: throwing fireballs and lighting at each other with all their strength until a) the building caved in on them and they had to get Henry to pull them out or b) one of the other members snapped and told them to shut up. It was currently a tied score between either options.) 

Yami yawned loudly and idly rubbed at his full, slightly protruding belly. Charmy always insisted that everyone ate their fill which usually led to them leaving the table with slightly bulging bellies and sleep hot on their heels, the thought of a warm, soft bed called out to them, beckoning them over, and Yami was usually the first one to fall prey to this call. 

He groaned and began heading up the stairs to where his room last was –on the third floor, the furthest door from the hallway to the right- Yami hated climbing the stairs because most of the time they did no good because the rooms were rarely in the same place twice in a day, which meant that even if Yami’s room was on the third floor last night, chances were it wouldn’t be in the same place tonight.

“Maybe I should have made Finral take me there first…” Yami mumbled to himself as he walked up the second flight of stairs leading to the second floor of the base. “Damn bastard running off to play while I have to walk and find my room….”

Yami thought about making Finral pay by forcibly having him “surpass his limits” and transport him around for the entire day tomorrow but soon realized he had reached the third floor and was almost to his room. Yami looked up at the doors and searched for the one with a giant ‘ _C_ ’ on it, the letter intricately carved and marked into the wood to prevent any confusion and to give Yami a clear indication of which room was his. Surprisingly enough, it was still at the same place he left it at –third floor, furthest door from the hallway to his right, just like yesterday. Yami wondered if Henry had stopped moving the rooms around, or if Vanessa and Finral’s new liking towards him had distracted him enough that he stopped moving the base around as much.

Whatever it was, Yami was glad he didn’t have to climb an extra floor or go down several more to find his room, and quickly went inside in case Henry had a change of heart and decided to begin changing the layout.

Yami, exhausted from just looking for his room, fell onto the bed, face-first, shoes and clothes still on and almost immediately fell asleep. He woke up once during the night, overheating from the sweltering summer night heat and the additional layers he never wore to bed, and quickly took them off, remaining only in his underwear before falling back onto his pillow and dozing off again.

* * *

_His dreams previously about swordsmanship, Julius and the occasional appearance of Vangeance quickly grew dark and somber as Yami watched, as if through a lens, as he grew up and reached adulthood and started his own squad, the same time Vangeance did. Yami watched, detached from his own body, as dream Yami got the members together, lips pulling up into a small smile as he watched each memory of the Black Bulls play out like a scene from a movie._

_Yami could almost taste the frustration he had when he tried to recruit Gordon but his lack of confidence and even smaller ability to speak nearly had the dark-haired man ripping his hair out from its roots. He chuckled lightly as the scenes turned quickly, -too quickly- to Zora in the back of an alley, his mouth agape, bewilderment clear on his features as Yami threw the Black Bull’s robe at him. Yami watched, his face contorting into different kinds of emotions -happiness, laughter, anger, sadness, joy, and most of all pride as his little imperfectly perfect crew formed._

_His pride was quickly shattered and replaced with an all-consuming terror as he was forced to relive one of the most dangerous, soul-crushing moments of his life. Yami watched in horror, a terrible kind of fear gripped his heart tightly and threatened to crush it between its fingers as he stood by, trapped behind an impenetrable window, hands, and legs bound to the spot, watching his entire squad get slaughtered by the beast-like creature with three eyes._

_Yami watched a voice unheard to him screeching and screaming as hands not belonging to him despite the muscle mass and size being identical to his own pounded repeatedly on the window, valiantly trying to smash through the window and get to his crew._

_“Stop!” Yami yelled out but again, the voice couldn’t belong to him. It sounded odd –dark and twisted, raw, and sore as if he had been yelling for centuries and not a couple of seconds. It sounded deep and gravelly, the kind he had when he woke up too early. It didn’t take long for Yami to realize he was crying and that was the real reason why his voice sounded so strange._

_“No! No! No! Look out, behind you!” Yami yelled out, fingers desperately trying to claw their way out as the beast-like creature moved too fast for any of them to see and now stood behind Finral and Vanessa, his giant paw raised as he brought it down on Finral, tearing through the fabrics as if it were a hot knife slicing through butter. Yami saw the flesh –Finral’s flesh- on the beast’s paws as the light faded from Finral’s eyes and his body slumped to the floor, face first and back up, showing just how deep the beat had cut into him that Yami could see bones peeking out from behind his back from where he was._

_“Damn it, Finral!” Yami screamed but they couldn’t hear him. No one could._

_Yami watched, anger and fear now gripping his insides with a cold, fleshy grip, as the beast swiftly moved onto his next victim, which happened to be Grey and Gauche. Gauche was impaled on the beast’s talons; his body was elevated from the floor and his legs started twitching and jerking weirdly as blood dripped down the beast’s dangerously sharp nails, down to his wrist and forearm and onto the floor. Gauche coughed once, blood spurting out of his mouth, before weakly raising his hand and smacking it down on the beast’s shoulder. Yami saw the life drip out of Gauche and land onto the floor, creating a small pool underneath him and screamed even louder._

_The beast threw Gauche’s now lifeless body onto the floor, smiling when the corpse landed with a sickening wet thud and immediately turned to Grey, a tortured sadistic grin pulling on his face when she tried to step back, her face contorted in horror, fear and pain as she watched two of her friends die in front of her and come face to face with the terrifying realization that she was next._

_Grey held her hands out, trying her best to what little magic she had left to stop the beast but it did nothing for the second a spell tried leaving her mouth, she found herself staring down at her hands –or at least where they should have been but now only remained bloody stumps. Gray screamed loudly and looked down at her hands, less than a step away from her, then at her stumps of flesh, blood squirting out like of her like a broken faucet as she tried to process what just happened. The beast-man grinned even wider and got behind her before reaching down and grasping her neck before twisting twice –once to the left, and then right- and cleanly yanking it off. Grey’s body fell with a sickening thud and blood, just like Gauche, slowly formed underneath her._

_The beast threw her head over his shoulder, not caring where it landed and turned to his next victim, Vanessa. He had found her magic a bit annoying if not intriguing, but now that he had achieved his ultimate form, weak and pathetic fate-defying magic like hers could do nothing but watch as she failed to save each and every one of her friends._

_The beast wanted to save her for last, wanting her to truly experience the taste of despair he and his people had experienced that fateful day but he changed his mind and decided that was best for the two passionate members; the youngest one to his right, his face twisted as pain, anger, hurt, fear flickered on and off on his face like a torch, watching each and every one of his friends get killed in front of him and for the captain watching them from the top, unable to do anything as his own squad was slaughtered before him._

_The beast grinned and lunged for Vanessa, easily closing the distance between them with one powerful jump and reached for the wine-red cat on her shoulder. He threw it to the side and instead rested his hands on her neck. He thought about snapping her neck, the way he did to the short blue-haired one but decided to break the bones in each of her wrists and ankles, completely disabling her from using her magic or even trying to run away. The sweet scream of pain as he shattered the bones in her arms and legs was like music to his ears and the beast almost swayed from it. He threw her down and turned. The white-haired royal was next._

_Yami almost couldn’t stand the pain he was feeling, couldn’t really tell when his legs failed him and fell down to the ground, his eyes firmly fixed on the mass slaughter of his squad as the beast danced around from member to member, each one dying in a grotesque, brutal way that remained seared in Yami’s mind forever. His voice, hoarse and raw after minutes spent screaming, clawing, crying and kicking, could barely make any sound and his hands and legs were red, and bloodied, pieces of skin dangling precariously from his fingers, the nails were split open and were bent or cracked in some others, exposing the delicate skin underneath._

_The bones in his feet were definitely shattered by now but Yami didn’t care. How could he? He was suffering from such a flimsy pain, his hands could recover, they could heal but how could any of them? How could Grey recover after being beheaded? Or Gauche with the gaping hole in his chest? Or Finral with half his back exposed for the world to see? How could any of them recover? How would Yami recover from the guilt, the shame, the helplessness of sitting aside and watching as they were all butchered and gutted down, all the while unable to do anything because of his own weakness...How was he to ever recover?_

* * *

Yami woke up with a loud gasp. His body was covered in a heavy layer of sweat and had seeped through into his bedsheets. Yami felt the hairs on his neck stand up and reached out for his sword on his bedside table and reached out with his ki searching for someone, anyone in the room with him. He sighed, relieved when he found nothing, and put his sword back. Yami grabbed his head in his hands and dug his nails into his scalp, using the pain to ground him and remind him that he was here, he was alive….but what about them?

The terror from before filled Yami again and he gasped, fingers now clawing at his throat as he panicked, the fear of going outside his room and finding the common room empty, to reach out with his Ki and not feel a single soul in the house gripped him so tightly, Yami was sure he was going to die from heart failure or at least lack of oxygen. 

His panic attack was interrupted by the door flinging open and three heads rushing in, the alarm clear in their eyes and faces. Yami idly identified them as Finral, Vaness, and Charmy but he didn’t know how they were there. 

“You….” Yami gasped out and Charmy was at his side, her hand rubbing soothing circles into his back while Finral tried to get his attention and Vanessa sent Henry for some water.

“We’re here, Yami-san…. I need you to breathe okay? I need you to do that for me, please, okay, Yami-san?”

Yami tried to nod but only managed a terrible sounding wheeze and his body began shivering and shaking despite the unbearable heat. Panic flashed in Finral’s eyes and he reached out for the older man’s hand, forcefully pulling it away from his neck and placing it on his chest, letting him feel the somewhat unsteady beat of his heart, pounding away at his ribcage, assuring Yami that he was alive, he wasn’t dead. None of them were. He hadn’t lost any of them.

Yami felt the suffocating feeling slowly begin to ebb off and his lungs actually began filling up with air, gratefully drinking up each drop of oxygen he could get as his fingers clutched tightly on Finral’s shirt and pulled the man in closer, pressing him into his chest.

Finral blushed from the close proximity -and holy hell, his muscles really were as big as they looked- and felt Yami mumble something into his shirt. He didn’t really catch what he said but heard something about being grateful. 

“What?” Finral asked and Yami squeezed him tighter, one hand squeezing Finral’s waist while the other one grabbed Charmy and pulled her into a hug as well. 

“I said, I’m happy you’re alive,” Yami said louder for them all to hear and something clenched in Finral’s chest. The words weren’t quite as powerful as the emotion behind them, the gratefulness, and the _earnestness_ behind it gripped Finral and made him wonder what the hell the man was dreaming about.

He was about to ask but a look from Charmy dissuaded him from doing so and he settled for hugging the man back, almost as tightly as he was to them. He had never seen Yami so scared before. Hell, Finral couldn’t even tell if there was a time he had ever seen Yami scared at all. But when they burst through his door after Henry hurriedly telling them that something was wrong with the captain and saw him there, hands clasped tightly around his throat as he scratched and clawed at it, desperation, panic, and fear shining brightly in his dark eyes and wet lines formed down the man’s face, Finral felt everything inside him turn ice cold and freeze over.

Finral wasn’t a stranger to fear, he was quite accustomed to it and rather preferred to avoid it at all costs and so he was easily able to identify if his opponents felt fear when they faced against him or anyone in the squad. This was how he was able to tell that what Yami felt wasn’t fear, it was far worse than that. The man looked like he had watched his entire generations get slaughtered in front of him with his hands chained behind his back and his legs bolted to the floor. He looked _terrified_. 

Terror wasn’t the word Finral would associate with the large man. It was the word he would use when he heard his voice being called out in that annoyingly slow drawl. It was the word he would use when he felt a warm, bulky hand rest on his shoulder. It was the word he would say Yami’s enemies felt, facing up against the unhinged magic knight, but it wasn’t a word Finral would ever use _for_ Yami, and yet here he was, arms wrapped around his squad members as he tried to regulate and control his breathing. 

It took a long time before Yami calmed down enough to let go of Finral and Charmy, even longer before he lifted his head and made eye contact with both of them. Finral assumed Yami felt ashamed, as a captain, breaking down in front of your teammates over a nightmare, a dream, something that wasn’t real, was something he guessed the man felt ashamed and guilty over and he reached out and grabbed Yami’s thick wrist.

“I don’t know what you dreamt about, Yami-san,” Finral began and Charmy stood up before crawling over the bedsheets to the other side and latched herself to Yami’s opposite shoulder, clinging tightly to Yami’s thick neck for support and comfort. “But, we’re all here.”

Finral gestured with his other hand, sweeping over the room, saying, “Reach out with your _ki._ You’ll feel us. We’re all here; no one is hurt or dead. We’re here, we made it, and we’re okay.”

Yami took a deep shaky breath and did as Finral instructed. He closed his eyes and focused. Reaching out with his _ki_ , Yami felt Finral and Charmy’s magic energy and life energy; a bright orange-reddish color surrounded Finral with flickers and tints of green scattered everywhere. Charmy’s life and magic energy was on the opposite scale and was a bright, dazzling aqua blue combined with the white color of her sheep’s fur, making the former vibrant aqua blue diluted and making it brighter and clearer.

Yami moved past them and felt around for Henry. The boy’s color was uniquely his own; an odd mix of dirt brown and the same white-blue color Charmy had. But he was alive, he was there, and so, Yami moved on, going out of his room and downstairs where the other kids were, chatting on energetically, completely unaware of their captain’s turmoil upstairs.

Yami spread out his _ki_ and felt each and every one of his member’s energy. Vanessa was predictably a darker shade of her beloved blood-red wine but had specks of a darker color inside it - _Rouge?-_ just like Finral did. Noelle was a dazzling blue, brighter, and more vibrant than Charmy. Yami thought it reminded him of the deeper, darker parts of the sea. Magna’s color was near identical to his own magic; a beautifully fiery red and depending on where you looked you could see a bit of orange mixed in, flickering just like a flame would. Luck's color was identical to his lightning magic; a bright energetic light blue that zapped around and twitched around the edges, just like his lightning magic did, ever unpredictable yet stable and controlled. Asta's energy was predictably empty and lacking when it came to magic but was full of energy and buzzing around with his own natural life energy.

Yami reached out even further and felt Gordon's poison magic, Grey's transformation magic, and Gauche's mirror magic. He let out a long exhale and sagged further into Finral's embrace. They were all here. They had survived the elf's attack, and none of them had died. Finral rubbed his back and Charmy clung even tighter to his thick neck, hanging off it as if he were a tree and she was a koala, albeit a small one. Yami kept silent and stayed there until the fear and panic receded into the back of his mind, left to be explored later when he was mentally stable and capable of revisiting a horrific time without accidentally striking out with his magic. Finral and Charmy stayed with him until he fell asleep and were still there when he woke up along with a few more of his crew.

They all acted as if nothing had happened and Yami felt grateful. Even though Finral or Vanessa had definitely shared the news about his nightmare, the crew still acted like normal, ever boisterous and noisy, running up and down his room as if it were the common room or the kitchen. And even though they made a mess -Luck and Magna had somehow already punched a hole through his wall and the ceiling, Grey was hiding in the corner of the room in a poor attempt to make herself appear invisible which failed miserably considering she had transformed into her large size and had consequently punched another hole through his ceiling. Gauche was in a shouting match with Asta who somehow had drawn out his sword and Gauche had two of his mirrors out and were pointed directly at the short kid.- Yami felt a familiar comforting feeling of being at peace and content that always filled him whenever he came home and found his crew there, happy and healthy. Although he didn't appreciate the unwilling changes to his room, he appreciated the way they didn't pressure him to talk but surrounded him with their presence, a silent reminder that they were with him to the very end.

Yami really didn't think he could have asked for a better crew even if he wanted to -which he didn't.-

* * *

The next time Yami was assaulted by his night terrors was nearly four months after the last one, and just like the last ones, this one also took him by surprise and had him gasping and shaking, clutching at the thin black and green fabric covering his body. His sudden reaction had the body to his right, startling awake too, arms raised and grimoire out and at the ready, eyes frantically searching the room for an unknown assailant. The man slowly relaxed and released the tension in his arm and shoulders, and let his grimoire disappear into his side. He turned his gaze to the older man and quickly assessed his body, sighing in relief when he couldn't smell any blood. 

Yami was still struggling to catch his breath and fisted his hand deeper into the blanket, shuddering and shaking with each unsteady inhale and exhale. He felt a hand come and try to touch his shoulder but he flinched violently and smacked the hand away before it could make any contact with him. Jack's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. If he wasn't worried before he definitely was now. Jack knew Yami to be violent and underhanded and boorish but he had never reacted so violently to his touch, let alone after spending a night in his bed. Something was wrong, unbelievably wrong.

"Yo, Yami...you good?" Jack hesitantly asked and pulled his hand back. It was probably best not to touch the older man for now, unless he wanted to end up without a hand that not even the kingdom's quack doctor could fix. 

Yami couldn't even manage a response and tried getting his breathing under control, however, each time he felt like he could finally breathe, the terror of having the Wizard King, his greatest and oldest friend who saved him when no one else bothered to, who cared for him and loved him and treated him like his younger brother, feeling the breath leave his body and feel his body stiffen and literally watch as the life left his body kept attacking him on repeat, like a recorder left on repeat only on the worst memory of Yami's life. 

Jack soon realized that Yami wasn't really breathing, his breath pattern strange and irregular, almost as if he was trying to exhale and inhale at the same time and couldn't decide on which one he wanted to do. Jack listened as he tried to vainly regulate his breathing and realized it wasn't getting better, it was actually getting worse. Jack got out of bed and went around to Yami's side, careful to put some distance between their bodies. Jack looked at Yami, his head bent down, and gaze fixated on the poorly threaded black and green blanket loosely hanging on his waist. Jack took note of the iron grip the man had on his blanket, his fingers digging in so deeply Jack was surprised the fabric hadn't given way already. 

"Yami...Yami, can you hear me?" Jack tried and Yami barely reacted. Jack tried again, "Yami, you asshole, I need you to say something if you can hear me. Or do something."

Yami mustered all his strength and forcefully pried the blanket away from his fingers, loosening one of his grips until the blanket fell out from his fingers and back onto his legs. Jack would have screamed if he could but it was late and he doubted Yami -or his crew- would appreciate the noise. "Okay, I need you to breathe, can you do that?" Jack asked and Yami would have given him the finger if he could.

Jack caught on to the man's brief flicker of annoyance and almost rolled his eyes. "I know you can't breathe, that's why I need you to breathe, you nitwit."

This time, Yami managed to make his middle finger twitch and raise and Jack did roll his eyes. "Stop being a hardass and listen to me, just focus on my voice and tr to breathe, okay?"

Yami was about to flip him off again but decided against it and took Jack's advice, listening to the younger man's voice and felt his breathing slowly, painstakingly slowly regulate until he was able to take in air without feeling like his lungs were constricting around his heart and trying to wring it dry. He exhaled slowly and lifted his head, making eye contact with Jack, he couldn't hold back the snort that left his lips.

Jack was -understandably- confused and a bit offended. "What the hell are you laughing at, you old geezer?"

"You don't look good when you're worried, has anyone ever told you that?" Yami managed out and Jack almost swatted the older man off the bed. "Leave the worrying to your members, it looks weird on you."

"Is that so?" Jack growled out and got up. He went back to his side of the bed and said, "Then, next time, you have a goddamn panic attack you can go and ask them for help, you ungrateful asshole."

Yami snorted again at the angry tone and slowly settled back into bed, pressing his shoulders against the headboard. He sat there for a while in silence, unable to go back to sleep in fear of relieving the supposed death of his closest friend and betrayal of his second closest friend and rival. He sat there for so long, he was sure Jack had left him and gone back to sleep which was why he nearly startled out of his skin when he heard the familiar deep voice of the younger man, breaking the fragile silence that Yami had built around him like a barrier against his mind. 

"How long have you had them? The panic attacks," Jack asked, voice silent, like a whisper but audible enough for Yami to hear. 

Yami shrugged carelessly, "I don't know. For a while. This is the third time I've woken up like that, though."

"Third time? What were the other two about?" Jack asked and Yami rubbed the back of his head, turning his eyes away from the peculiar design of the painting resting on the wall and to his lap. "When I first came here and when we fought that elf in the underwater city."

"The elf that the annoying loud one of yours fought? The one that almost killed them?" 

Yami nodded. "Yeah..." He paused for a moment and tried to gather the words -and courage- to share one of his nightmares. It wasn't even that he was ashamed of having nightmares. Yami knew the kind of horrible acts committed by the rich and powerful towards anyone they felt was unworthy of basic human decency and had experienced it firsthand. He knew there were such horrible, cruel acts that would make anyone have trouble sleeping let alone get nightmares. But this one was especially hard for him because he was right there. The experience he had when he was a child was terrible and should have never happened but Yami was young, he was just a child, fresh from his country, and deserted on another country that didn't want him and made sure to remind him that. Realistically looking at it, there was nothing Yami could have done back then but during the fight with the beast elf, it was different. The situation was different; still as dire as the one from his childhood but drastically different. Yami, for one, was older, he was stronger and was a Magic Captain, strong enough to handle his own against over half of the other Magic Captains. And yet, he had been almost completely powerless to help his members when they needed him the most and was almost forced to watch as they were nearly deliberately picked off and almost slaughtered, one by one. Yami had the opportunity to help his crew, had the magic, the strength, to stop the beast elf, probably even before he "awoke" and became almost two -no, three- times stronger than before and couldn't. The guilt of failing his crew as well as making a bet with the old man nestled deeply into his heart and was something Yami had never forgiven himself for.

"I was right there..." Yami said but it was so silent, he doubted Jack had even heard him. "I made a bet with the old man there and told them to fight and defeat the old man's people in exchange for the crystal...If I hadn't done that, then they wouldn't have had to fight the beast elf and wouldn't have to nearly kill themselves, trying to defeat him." Yami vividly remembered seeing Luck and Magna lying there in a pool of their own blood and how the young girl had her voice stolen from her along with her brother's legs being chopped off.

"Didn't Julius say the group was attacking any place with a history of the crystals?" Jack asked and turned over to face Yami. "Then, regardless of whether you guys went there or not, they would have still attacked and killed more people looking for it. Even though it annoys me that you guys got another good fight with The Eye of The Midnight Sun," Jack bit off and glared annoyedly at the wall behind Yami's head, "I know -no, everyone knows- had you not gone there, that entire city would have been massacred."

"And yeah," Jack groaned slightly and pulled himself up into a sitting position and rested his back on the headboard, just like Yami was. "You did fuck up with that bet, but it helped you. I know you can't see that time as anything else but what it was but look at yourself and the rest of the Black Bulls. You all got stronger with that fight. I don't know what the short loud one or the other ones did there but I know you all got stronger because of it." 

Jack added, "I mean, you can cut through dimensions now. I think that's a pretty fucking huge boost from the loser you were before." Yami kicked Jack in the shin and smirked slightly when the younger man hissed in pain. Jack rubbed at his shin with his other foot and sent a glare at Yami who stared back at him, unfazed and said, "Besides, being a Magic Captain, -no, being born with magic in this world means at some point or other your life will be in danger."

Jack looked directly at Yami and said, "Your kids joined the Magic Squad knowing they would have to fight enemies, probably larger and stronger and faster than them, and put their life on the line. Being in this line of work means you never know if you'll come back alive or be sent back home in a box. Your kids knew that and still joined your squad and haven't left even after the giant mess with the elves and the royals and after fighting a fucking demon. Trust in them a bit more, Yami. They're stronger than they look."

Yami reached out and kicked the younger man in the shin again. Ignoring the loud yelp of pain he let out, Yami briefly wondered if he had fallen so far that he needed to be comforted by one of the most annoying people in his life, let alone one younger than him and with an even worse record than his own. But even though, Yami couldn't stand the thought of being comforted by Jack the Ripper of all people and actually getting comfort from his words, he also couldn't the sense in Jack's words. His crew was strong. Yami had literally hand-picked them. He wouldn't have picked someone he knew couldn't handle the workload that came with being a Magic Knight. His crew was strong and capable. They had proven that multiple times. Yami had just let the fear of losing the people closest to him cloud him and it had somehow made him believe that his crew was weak and incapable of protecting themselves and others around them. Yami reminded himself of how strong they had all grown from the young and inexperienced fledglings to the dependable Magic Knights, and how similar it was to him when he first joined the Aqua Deer, barely able to speak or write the language and had to grow and develop into the man he was now. His members were going to be okay. He just had to keep reminding himself that.

"Why do you keep kicking me, you shit-hole!?" Jack hissed and rubbed at the pulsing spot on his shin, making sure to pull his legs out of reach of the older man's legs just in case he tried to kick him again. "Is that how you thank someone who saved you?"

Yami snorted again, and turned to face Jack, lip curling as he asked, "Who the hell did you save, beanpole?"

"You, shit-for-brains." Jack argued back, "Old age already affecting your hearing, old man?" "No wonder the Black Bulls have such a shitty record if this is how you thank people that help you," Jack muttered and glared at Yami. 

"You didn't save me or anything, shitty Jack," Yami replied. "It will be a hundred thousand years before someone like you could save me."

"Oh really?" Jack felt annoyance run through him hotly, scorching his insides and lighting a flame inside him. "Want to test that right now, oh Great Yami? Let's see who will really need saving." A green grimoire embroidered with gold and white markings rose up from behind Jack and flipped open to a page, the owner of the said grimoire already poised and ready in a fighting stance, however, he was still in bed and was still keeping his legs far from Yami which resulted in one of the most peculiar positions Yami had ever seen the younger man in, and he had seen him in a lot of positions over the years. 

"Says the loser that hasn't won in almost two rounds," Yami replied, almost bored. "You should increase your magic skill before making demands like those, Jack." Yami saw Jack open his mouth, undoubtedly about to refute his statement and added, "Besides, we can't fight here, let alone right now. Unless you're okay with bringing this entire place down and explaining it to Julius why you need a new base...again."

Jack hesitated for a moment. He thought it over and eventually sighed and closed his grimoire, and returned it to its rightful place. Yami had a point. He couldn't risk irking the wrath of Julius nor could he put his crew's life at risk for the selfish reason of winning a never-ending bet. He would have to do it later. Jack sighed again and tried to get comfortable again, grumbling about ungrateful bulls and about minding his own business. 

Yami chuckled, hearing the grumbles coming from the other man and figured he should at least try to placate the younger man for helping him out, as much as Yami hated to admit that he did, in fact, help him. Yami pulled himself down and laid his back flat on the bed and turned to Jack. Yami opened his arms wide in a come-hither gesture and waited for Jack to do so.

Jack looked at Yami, then to his arms, and back up to his face, green eyes squinted in suspicion. "What now?"

Yami rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to say thank you." 

If it was possible, Jack's eyes narrowed even further. "Didn't you say you didn't have to say thank you or something?"

Yami shuffled closer, his arms still open and tried beckoning the slimmer man closer. "No, I said you didn't save me. Doesn't mean I can't thank you for telling me the truth."

Jack's suspicion remained but he did move closer to Yami and met him halfway on the bed but stopped just before Yami could wrap his arms around him. Looking at the other man, Jack said, almost smugly. "Then admit it. Admit that I saved you."

Yami couldn't hold back another eye-roll but did as Jack said, wrapping his arms around the slimmer man, Yami pulled him close, pressing their chests flush against each other and said, "I admit that you helped me..." Yami could almost see the smug air that immediately surrounded the younger man following his words and finished his sentence, "You helped me realize just how annoying you can be,"

It was Yami's turn to yelp in pain as Jack's bony, almost sharp foot swiftly connected with his shin. 

**Author's Note:**

> also, i don't know how to write having a panic attack and i know what i wrote was almost entirely wrong but tell me what you think~


End file.
